Dream 6/29/12

Today's was again a weird mixed dream -a complete extension of my current state of mind. In my dream, I had accidentally met an old friend/colleague of mine in the office lobby while trying to acquire a project(probably a job in real world). This friend informs me that she is currently posted in Leh, Laddakh which has currently huge IT sector owing to some very big govt projects. I tell her, probably, I should have tried there to start with, then probably I wouldn't hv to sit idle for past two years. How Things would have ben different I had proper contacts, the lack of which is detrimental to my professional career. As I talk with her, I realize that I still can explore a few options(don't remember wt exactly now) and tell her that I would come again the next day.

The next day, there are lots of kids in the lobby. i even get to meet her daughter and my own girls wave hi to me. I spot a little girl, who seems to be,looking for her mom,  and mistake her for mine as she is wearing my girls 2T-sized dress, a dress which both of them have used. Looking closer, I realize this is a different kid and I had, anyways, given away that dress. Her mom/dad comes and I hand her over. As I go towards the exit of the building, a man comes running clutching  his little girl in his arms who's bleeding profusely. Again, the dress confuses me that it's my own little one and frantically, I run to him and stop him only to realize that This is his daughter and I had given that dress away, too. Suddenly, everywhere around me are lots of sick, injured and even dying kids. Some are looking for their parents while some parents are looking for their kids. I look around and sense a relief that I was able to do my bit for them and get determined to do something more. I remember that my girls are safe and sound with dad at home and think of getting them involved once I reach home.


Is this dream, just an extension of my own thoughts, everyday life or carries a message for me? If so, then what is it trying to convey? Whether to be content with what I have, currently or to join and work hard towards a noble cause? Whatever it is, I will have to figure it out or may be, the time would reveal..

Rant to myself

When I had my little girl in my arms, all I had wanted to do was to love her, nurture her. I had gone looking for a daycare for her, so that I could resume work, I was totally enraged with how they had dealt with my five-month old baby. That one episode had made me decide to extend the break  a little more and wait until my girl was one yr. After a year, i had several interviews lined up, and things were looking good, until, those very companies started firing and called me up to know either the interview was cancelled or hirings were frozen. A talk with the insiders had confirmed that. The recession had just started. 

As a clear and positive thinker, that I used to be then, I was determined to use the enforced sabbatical to have another baby(as we had always wanted two kids) and then, again, start looking for work once the little one would be around eight or nine months. This way, I was avoiding any more maternity leaves, after whenever I start working again. And of course, my kids were sure to get the best possible care available in this world - their mom's! 

Things took a turn, after another year and me, who always had a control of my life, a well-balanced head on my body couldn't get back in charge of my very own life. Events happened year after year, and my so-called one year sabbatical, turned into five. A once- positive and cheerful me has turned into a gloomy, screaming , discontent person. Totally opposite of what I had ever seen myself to be. I totally totally adore my Girls and love being with them. My having my own personal ambitions, detached from them, doesn't cease that very fact. My career plans, my thoughts about me that don't involve them, or doesn't revolve around them doesn't make me selfish. I enjoy my time with them, but am not wrong  to want a little extra - time just for me. Then why am I being told so by people around me.? Why am I perceived to be different? Why am I told to be content in my own shoes? Why should I pretend to be when I am not? when what I actually want is design and custom make my own?? 

And then this accident had to happen, thwarting all my plans to start afresh this year! When I had planned to look fr sponsors and jobs, I was looking for the lawyers and therapists and what not. When I should have been preparing for interviews, I was trying all sorts of remedies to alleviate my pain. Amongst this all, I grow restless as I see the applicants quota reached. I sense a failure - in me, in not trying hard enough, in leaving what I had in hand years ago. But that's my feelings, those are my emotions. How can they be wrong? They are just what they are.  I try to fill myself with optimism, but I can't. I try to push happy thoughts in my mind, but cannot. I try going with the flow, let things be, but only for a while. Why do I sound  like a teenager to myself?  Huh, I  think I should stop now. 

Cloudbursts!!

It's been like this since morning.. Huge flashes of lightning followed by loud thunders and then the downpours of rain.. This was 4 nights back. when i had started my post. and my mood throughout had been happy.. inspite of the fact that such heavy showers meant that i was stuck in the house with the kids and we had to miss our regular evening walk that evening. Actually, rains that day had reminded me the monsoon days back in India and somehow had given me the feeling of freshness and the warmth. I could even smell the fragrance of the wet earth.. And that had filled me with joy.. uplifting my spirits.. inspiring me to try new things in life.. to go on and take challenges.. and giving me the confidence that i can do anything.. by just believing in myself again! and i had started to..

and the feeling lasted until last night.. no substantial reason .. but afterwards it just eluded me and then kept dissipating throughout the day today.. leaving me where i was before.. all along.. all alone..

But what stayed constant between these two days.. and beyond is my idea of having a perfume/ a fragrance/ a room freshener/ a misty spray with that ambrosial earthy monsoon aroma.. with the whiff of freshness in it.. with the essence of life in it.. the perfect ambiance for meditation.. The invigorating balm every time you breathe it in! The revitalizing odor!! The fragrance for the soul!!!

Is it possible to savor the fragrance in a can just as beautifully, as refreshingly?!!?

p.s. The title of the post was chosen when I had started the post.. I guess I might have changed the look of my blog to match what i had originally planned to write which I obviously don't remember now.. .. what has followed now might not look relevant.

..only if

Groom: You will offer me food and be helpful in every way. I will cherish you and provide for the welfare and happiness of you and our children.
Bride: I am responsible for the home, and take charge of all household responsibilities.

Groom: Together we will protect our house and children.
Bride: I will be by your side, and be your courage and strength. I will rejoice in your happiness. In return, you will love me alone.

Groom: May we grow wealthy and prosperous, strive for the education of our children. May our children live long.
Bride: I will love only you for the rest of my life, as you are my husband. Every other man in my life will come second to you. I vow to remain chaste.

Groom: You have brought sacredness into my life, and have completed me. May we be blessed with noble, obedient children. May our children live long. Bride: I will shower you will happiness, from head to toe. I will strive to please you in every way that I can.

Groom: You are my best friend, and staunchest well-wisher. You have come into my life, and have enriched it. God bless you.
Bride: I promise to love and cherish you for as long as I love. Your happiness is my happiness, and your sorrow is my sorrow. I will trust and honour you, and will strive to fulfill all your wishes.

Groom: May you be filled with joy and peace.
Bride: I will always be by your side.

Groom: We are now husband and wife, and are one. You are mine and I am yours for all time.
Bride: As God is witness, I am now your wife. We will love, honour and cherish each other forever.
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Groom: I (name), take you (name) for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

Bride: I (name), take you (name) for my lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.

So Beautiful ! filled with depth and meaning!

...Only if they see marriage in the light of these vows and not just as a flashy affair where they flaunt their dresses and jewelery.