Rant to myself

When I had my little girl in my arms, all I had wanted to do was to love her, nurture her. I had gone looking for a daycare for her, so that I could resume work, I was totally enraged with how they had dealt with my five-month old baby. That one episode had made me decide to extend the break  a little more and wait until my girl was one yr. After a year, i had several interviews lined up, and things were looking good, until, those very companies started firing and called me up to know either the interview was cancelled or hirings were frozen. A talk with the insiders had confirmed that. The recession had just started. 

As a clear and positive thinker, that I used to be then, I was determined to use the enforced sabbatical to have another baby(as we had always wanted two kids) and then, again, start looking for work once the little one would be around eight or nine months. This way, I was avoiding any more maternity leaves, after whenever I start working again. And of course, my kids were sure to get the best possible care available in this world - their mom's! 

Things took a turn, after another year and me, who always had a control of my life, a well-balanced head on my body couldn't get back in charge of my very own life. Events happened year after year, and my so-called one year sabbatical, turned into five. A once- positive and cheerful me has turned into a gloomy, screaming , discontent person. Totally opposite of what I had ever seen myself to be. I totally totally adore my Girls and love being with them. My having my own personal ambitions, detached from them, doesn't cease that very fact. My career plans, my thoughts about me that don't involve them, or doesn't revolve around them doesn't make me selfish. I enjoy my time with them, but am not wrong  to want a little extra - time just for me. Then why am I being told so by people around me.? Why am I perceived to be different? Why am I told to be content in my own shoes? Why should I pretend to be when I am not? when what I actually want is design and custom make my own?? 

And then this accident had to happen, thwarting all my plans to start afresh this year! When I had planned to look fr sponsors and jobs, I was looking for the lawyers and therapists and what not. When I should have been preparing for interviews, I was trying all sorts of remedies to alleviate my pain. Amongst this all, I grow restless as I see the applicants quota reached. I sense a failure - in me, in not trying hard enough, in leaving what I had in hand years ago. But that's my feelings, those are my emotions. How can they be wrong? They are just what they are.  I try to fill myself with optimism, but I can't. I try to push happy thoughts in my mind, but cannot. I try going with the flow, let things be, but only for a while. Why do I sound  like a teenager to myself?  Huh, I  think I should stop now. 

The chase

The more I am trying to go after the equilibrium, the more it is alluding me.. The mind is in the instant state of war.. Gets agitated quickly.. And this perturbs me all the more! The things/events which have been a constant source of joy and Contentment and had always helped me in the past don't seem to be working anymore.. Probably, time to look for the newer techniques.. Navratris have just been over. I love the festival for the discipline it brings.. The fasting disciplines the body and the mind.. And I choose to do the non-grain fasting, which being gluten-free it cleanses the body and combined with the strict routine cleanses the mind too. I have been observing these fasts for past two years which means this was the fifth time(the navratris fall twice a year).. Until this time, I had always found a repose, an exuberance in these nine days.. For me, the fasting is not about the control of diet as much as the control of the attitude, of the temperament. The comfort i usually get in the divine shelter was missing this time. My faith, a little, or was it more than little?, shaken... Was it because i couldnt follow the norms like every time? Or was it just. Y state of mind? Whatever it was, i was in a state of turmoil rather than in the elation, the euphoria, I usually feel. Until, I figure out a way to Compose myself, to fond the poise, the cool-headedness I always had.. My quest will go on...

The Power of soulful Music

It's amazing how music works wonders. For almost a week, heavy thoughts had burdened my heart. The feeling of loneliness kept creeping back to me.. never eluding me... the melancholy not abandoning me. Had tried meditating ..in vain.. couldn't get past those glum feelings. Was wondering all the while if I will ever be able to find my inner strength back or will I lose myself in this quest of 'me'.  And then heard this really wonderful song 'Kandisa' by Indian Ocean and as the music worked it's way way through me.. I felt serene, at peace with myself.. made me realize why they recommend music therapy for the soul!

Testament and Jagjit Singh - what a combo!

Thrash and gazhals - an unusual combo.. but in my current mood hv been listening to/screaming my lungs out to them and trying hard to bring me back to normalcy! I have always believed that ghazals and heavy metals have a therapeutic effect... only if u merge with the words and try to get the depth.. Am not an expert in either of the genre but personally, i have always found some wisdom fitting my then frame of mind; thus helping me think rationally..

Currently, these two numbers were the Rx to me..

Apni marzi se by Jagjit Singh

Apni marzi se kahan apne safar ke hum hain,
Rukh hawaaon ka jidhar ka hai, udhar ke hum hain,

Pehle har cheez thi Apni magar abb lagta hai
Apne He ghar mein kisi doosre ghar ke hum hain

Waqt ke saath mitti ka safar sadiyon se
Kisko maaloom kahan ke hain, kidhar ke hum hain

Chalte rehte hain keh chalnaa hai musaafir ka naseeb
Sochte rehte hain, kis raah guzar ke hum hain

Rukh hawaaon ka jidhar ka hai, udhar ke hum hain



D.N.R. by Testament

Lies... broken dreams
Dismal past
is there more in life...
should I... know
Ending wars... ending pain
Ending of mankind is insane
and there's all the possibilities
some will fail and some will achieve
Even through in my youth
I didn't know but what can I do
and I may not ever see
In my pain, my suffering
Can not live for the rest of my life
DNR Do not resuscitate me...

Life... lost unseen
behind the mask
and with the open arms will I grasp
Open doors... open minds...
Ending all the madness I hate

And I may not ever see
In my pain, my misery
Can not live for the rest of my life
DNR Do not resuscitate me... DNR...

Wing of sadness... will
hold my prayers
all this madness... will
end my fears
contempt in life
Conceptualize, wrong or right
The ending of life...
God save me now...

Time... end it now
No going back
Can you see the light ass you pass
Ending wars, ending pain...
Waited all my life to be saves

And I will not ever see
All the hate and suffering
Can not live for the rest of my life
DNR Do not resuscitate me... DNR