Saturday, June 30, 2012

Dream 6/29/12

Today's was again a weird mixed dream -a complete extension of my current state of mind. In my dream, I had accidentally met an old friend/colleague of mine in the office lobby while trying to acquire a project(probably a job in real world). This friend informs me that she is currently posted in Leh, Laddakh which has currently huge IT sector owing to some very big govt projects. I tell her, probably, I should have tried there to start with, then probably I wouldn't hv to sit idle for past two years. How Things would have ben different I had proper contacts, the lack of which is detrimental to my professional career. As I talk with her, I realize that I still can explore a few options(don't remember wt exactly now) and tell her that I would come again the next day.

The next day, there are lots of kids in the lobby. i even get to meet her daughter and my own girls wave hi to me. I spot a little girl, who seems to be,looking for her mom,  and mistake her for mine as she is wearing my girls 2T-sized dress, a dress which both of them have used. Looking closer, I realize this is a different kid and I had, anyways, given away that dress. Her mom/dad comes and I hand her over. As I go towards the exit of the building, a man comes running clutching  his little girl in his arms who's bleeding profusely. Again, the dress confuses me that it's my own little one and frantically, I run to him and stop him only to realize that This is his daughter and I had given that dress away, too. Suddenly, everywhere around me are lots of sick, injured and even dying kids. Some are looking for their parents while some parents are looking for their kids. I look around and sense a relief that I was able to do my bit for them and get determined to do something more. I remember that my girls are safe and sound with dad at home and think of getting them involved once I reach home.

Is this dream, just an extension of my own thoughts, everyday life or carries a message for me? If so, then what is it trying to convey? Whether to be content with what I have, currently or to join and work hard towards a noble cause? Whatever it is, I will have to figure it out or may be, the time would reveal..

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Rant to myself

When I had my little girl in my arms, all I had wanted to do was to love her, nurture her. I had gone looking for a daycare for her, so that I could resume work, I was totally enraged with how they had dealt with my five-month old baby. That one episode had made me decide to extend the break  a little more and wait until my girl was one yr. After a year, i had several interviews lined up, and things were looking good, until, those very companies started firing and called me up to know either the interview was cancelled or hirings were frozen. A talk with the insiders had confirmed that. The recession had just started. 

As a clear and positive thinker, that I used to be then, I was determined to use the enforced sabbatical to have another baby(as we had always wanted two kids) and then, again, start looking for work once the little one would be around eight or nine months. This way, I was avoiding any more maternity leaves, after whenever I start working again. And of course, my kids were sure to get the best possible care available in this world - their mom's! 

Things took a turn, after another year and me, who always had a control of my life, a well-balanced head on my body couldn't get back in charge of my very own life. Events happened year after year, and my so-called one year sabbatical, turned into five. A once- positive and cheerful me has turned into a gloomy, screaming , discontent person. Totally opposite of what I had ever seen myself to be. I totally totally adore my Girls and love being with them. My having my own personal ambitions, detached from them, doesn't cease that very fact. My career plans, my thoughts about me that don't involve them, or doesn't revolve around them doesn't make me selfish. I enjoy my time with them, but am not wrong  to want a little extra - time just for me. Then why am I being told so by people around me.? Why am I perceived to be different? Why am I told to be content in my own shoes? Why should I pretend to be when I am not? when what I actually want is design and custom make my own?? 

And then this accident had to happen, thwarting all my plans to start afresh this year! When I had planned to look fr sponsors and jobs, I was looking for the lawyers and therapists and what not. When I should have been preparing for interviews, I was trying all sorts of remedies to alleviate my pain. Amongst this all, I grow restless as I see the applicants quota reached. I sense a failure - in me, in not trying hard enough, in leaving what I had in hand years ago. But that's my feelings, those are my emotions. How can they be wrong? They are just what they are.  I try to fill myself with optimism, but I can't. I try to push happy thoughts in my mind, but cannot. I try going with the flow, let things be, but only for a while. Why do I sound  like a teenager to myself?  Huh, I  think I should stop now. 

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Pain management

So, I went to see my family physician yesterday hoping to get a script from him to restart my therapy with a P.T. I figured out i desperately needed to go back as much as I hate going to one. And as my earlier script had expired, needed to get another one. Also, I have been thinking of going for an alternative treatment like an acupuncture and wanted to know how he feels about it. And imagine my shock, when he ordered an MRI to be sure there's nothing more to it. Really, MRI? I shred to even think about the results. I hope there's nothing wrong with my spine!! Fingers crossed! Please do pray for me.

And then, he said that after the results come out, we will figure out what kind of treatment I should go for. If nothing's wrong, meaning, I do not need surgeries(god forbid!), he might suggest a pain management doctor. Now that term, in itself, was entirely new to me! How is a pain mgmt doc differnt from a P.T., I asked him, in all my ignorance. He was kind enough to explain to me that a pain mgmt doc uses different methods like injections. Now, I panicked. Leave aside, my fear of those needles going deep inside me, I dread to think about the side effects of those steroids! Even without them and all my exercise plans abondoned since my accident, I have been putting on pounds like anything. I was even treated with respect and given way and help by the strangers in public places, who obviously thought I was carryin(ahem!). Do you get the picture as to where all those pounds are accumulating?? Besides, the fact that the last time I had taken give steroid injections for my unfortunate ankle treatment, six years ago, it had still failed to get me any sort of relief. All it had done, was to just put lots of weight on me. Only a change in shoes style and working hard, then, to shed those extra fat cells, had seen me forgetting there was anything wrong ever, with my ankle. And now, just when I had begun to enjoy my pain-free life, this had to happen!! Guess, God certainly, has different plans for me!

Talking about MRI, I cannot even take it unless I get a pre-cert from my insurance. Phew! There's so much complications associated than I ever thought there would be. Life, sure is a roller coaster for me. Even with all the leaps of the heart, and the eye-squeezing fears, I should learn to enjoy the thrills, shouldn't I?

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Living with the pain

The pain has returned and has been constant for past two weeks or so; sometimes even exceeding my threshhold level, especially in the neck and nt to mention the lower back.. I feel as good as an invalid. When a simple task needs a lots of self morale boosting and seems like an achievement on a regular basis, then there's something definitely amiss. And then i get irritated with myself and in turn, very irksome and take it out on everybody around me, especially the poor little kids. Who, actually are not as little anymore and ask back why am I screaming at them instead of talking nicely to them. I, then realize my mistake n try to soften them up n try to deal with my aches n pains in different ways. Ibubrufen, ice-packs, stretching exercises, and mom's age-old herbal oil massage recipe gives me a temp relief. But then again, as I said, if even after the pain persists after ten days of this regular treatment, there's more to it than what it looks on the surface.

I still cannot understand whys n hows of being discharged from the P.T.'s care. According to her, I was 85% better and could control the pain with regualar stretching exercises. I followed her advice and did all the needful. And for a while, even had begun to feel better only to find the pain aggravating for past few days. Phew! Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to live a pain-free life again? My P.T says no. But, I want to prove her wrong, entirely, truly, completely. Only that. Have no clue how to? All the stretching, yoga, breathing doesn't seem to be working for now. Am I being impatient? Should I give it more time to heal, to actually start working on me? Don't knw! Guess hv to first push the negative thoughts out of me! Probably then, it all will start working. Fr nw, got to live with the pain..
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