Kiddie blog gone private

Post the recent news that has shocked the entire nation, nay world, lots of discussions/debates have started and one of them(which actually has always been around) is regarding the kids' privacy when the mommy bloggers write about them. I had always considered this, and not given it much weightage as my sole intention was to create memories of my kids' growing up years and share it with family n friends. Six years ago, When I had started my kiddie blog, I hadn't even given a thought that the internet and the blogging world, in general, will grow so much that we would be actually be making ourselves vulnerable. My 'tadpole' had just formed within me, and being on the computer, 24x7, that was the best way I could think of logging my sprouting emotions for my to-be born child. My blog, then, had been my online journal. I even had and still have my real, pen-and-paper, journal but it's not always that I pick up the pen now. Though I still use my ink, now and then, it's not tht often. How much we deny, internet, is a part of our lives now. And, this step of mine, does not completely guarantee the 'privacy' 'security' or 'safety', and in itself, is highly debatable, I have considered it a lot over the weekend and have decided to make my kiddie blog private. If nothing else, it will give me the satisfaction of giving my kids their own space. I have never intended any sort if fame or monetary benefits from my blog and this will be an added step to ensure that.

I still do want to share all the joys of parenting and of course, not so joyous moments too, with all of my friends and family members. And am sure, you do not want to miss on them either. All you will have to do is now send me your email address so tht I could add you to my blog readers list. Once you are added, you will be able to see all the posts. So, all you, uncles and aunts, fans and well-wishers of my oh-so-sweet chinipie and sugarbun, do send me your email-ids so that you can be updated on their funnest years!

And I regard your privacy too. So, in case you wish to be a silent reader, you can remain so. You don't evebn have to say, "add me" nor do you hv to drop a " hi" or think "Oh I haven't talked to her in years. How do I ask her to add me?" If you have been reading my kids' blogs, and still wish to do so, just go ahead and send me your email id. And I will add you. It's as simple as that. My facebook account indicates 567 friends and I know many non-facebookers who frequented and kept a tab on my sugarz and chiniiz growing years. Whtz stopping you guys, go ahead and send me your email address.

I won't spam you.

I Know the pain

I know the pain
Of an infant now
Who lies on his back
And does not know how to roll over
And ease the pressure on the back of its head

I know the pain
Of an arthritis patient now
Who cannot move the fingers
Without hurting each and every nerve cell
Without letting out a scream with every attempt made

I know the pain
Of an injured sportsperson now
Who has to rest awhile
Lest the injury persists, gets chronic
Lest it becomes a problem of the lifetime

I know the pain
Of a hapless mother
Who is unable to provide
Her warmth to the kids playing nearby
Her spirit to the angels, to the sunshine of her life..

The giving tree

We live in a modern world. Our days and nights are filled with advanced technologies and the latest of gadgets. In this fast, techno world, we barely have time- for ourselves or for others. A guest is either taken out for a meal, or the food is ordered. At times, we do not even care to take that kind of efforts and put a handful of snacks, in front of them - at a meal time! Of course, we expect them to understand that we have a very busy schedule and that they should be thankful enough that we are sparing some time and a little bit of our pantry for them.

In this sky-rocketing priced world, we do not have enough money to help a needy charity/organization. Of course, we cannot even think of giving away goods like toys/books/stationary to some needy kids though we do not think twice before stocking them up for our children who, most probably, already have plenty of them! We can waste away thousands in lavish parties, but cannot spare even a twenty to feed one hungry stomach who cannot buy food. Needless, to say, we would rather throw the expired cans from our refrigerator but could not have given them away to a food bank. And, who has time to stop and think that, because we let that food rot away, we did not need it in the first place!

To sum up, we are letting our SPIRIT of GIVING die! And what a brutal way of killing it!!

Aamir and his wife recently had a baby, thanks to the marvels of the modern science. That they didn't go for an adoption ,albeit disappointing, is quite understandable as they would have wanted to continue their own genes and bloodline forward. Surrogacy, in itself, is quite a turbulent and immensely difficult decision in itself. And a couple, who has already gone through innumerable medical treatments and uncountable emotional turbulence, knows the next-best option that they want to choose. Hence, I respect their decision. Our erstwhile Bollywood has tackled the delicate concept of surrogacy, beautifully, in movies like 'filhaal and Life Express and many more. The lovable 'Phoebe' carries her half-brother's and his wife's multiples in Friend's season four. Another interesting factor is though new to the 21st century, the notion is not very new itself. In Mahabharat, Balram, son of Devaki and Vasudev, is born to Rohini who had miraculously taken him from Devaki's womb to her own womb. Since we are talking about Mahabharat, let's also talk about foster parenting and/or adoption, as Balram's younger brother, Krishna, though born to Devaki and Vasudev, was raised by the Yadavas(Nanda and Yashoda) and hence, came to be known as nandlal/yashodanandan.

Coincidentally, a few weeks ago, when the Aamir-Kiran baby hadn't created waves in the mediaI was talking to my dad (over the phone, of course) and in general, updating him about our lives and those of some of my friends whom he know. And, in the process, told him about this very sweet couple, who have been trying for a child and unfortunately, even after years of marriage and numerous treatments/IVF's etc. haven't been blessed. On this, my dad narrated an incident back in 70's when a neighbour(not relative and not neighbours from ages) had given their second-born to a couple, who did not have any child of their own. Just like that. No hesitations, just a simple, pure, thoughtful act. Being in transferrable job, They had parted ways after a couple of years. Whether or not they always remained in touch, dad is not aware of that. But, he told that such gestures were very genuine and done without hesitation those days. Wasn't this the most precious gift to that couple? I believe, they would have gone on to raise the baby as their own, fussed over her milestones, worried over her sicknesses, educated her, married her off and then again made a huge noise over the grandchild(ren). (And Yes, you can trust me picturising a whole movie out of a small line! That's me!!) This led me to some thinking and lots of soul-searching within myself.

I asked myself, if I can muster enough courage to offer my offspring to a couple, who would bless me their entire lives? Will I ever be able to be that 'giving tree' who, with her entire heart, be that 'source of joy' to them? Would I be willing to offer my seed, my uterus, the fruit of my womb to somebody? Surprisingly, the answer came as a 'no'. With the second difficult pregnancy, where I had developed, vericose veins condition, looking after one very easy-to-handle toddler had become a strenuous task for me. And, the aftermath, of the PND, phew! not to go into details, let's just say, I had seen the darkness. I just fear to go through all that again. The first question that comes to my mind is, who will look after my two kids, if, in case, any complications arise. I don't think I will be able to do it even for my own family. I felt very very selfish with that thought and felt, in today's world, we miss that feeling of living as a community as a family and have become very very individualistic. It has to be an act of selflessness to the highest degree. And following it, also came the question, even if I did, would it be acceptable to the would-be parents? I pictured myself, saying, " We, Me and my husband, are done having kids for ourselves, but would would go ahead and try once again for you. Our next child is going to be yours. He will know your lap as the mom's lap, your hand as the dad's hand." Would they doubt my spirit? Would my bonding with the child ever be gone? will my heart still ache for the child? Nine months is a long time, after all! Promising somebody such a blessing is one thing, and actually carrying it, dutifully, through the end is another. I will have to forego all attachments. If I go ahead and give the child in their arms, later on, Will they find me as an interference, a nuisance? Or the child will enjoy the love and warmth of two sets of parents and all will be peaceful? I put myself in their shoes, and tried to find an answer. Most Shockingly, even to this question the answer came as a 'no'. It won't be accepted, by the receiver as well. Probably, I might be wrong in this answer as I have not been there. I cannot understand, fully, their thought process.

What do you think? Can you see yourself as that giving tree?Or Will you be able to take the fruit from such a giving tree?


In case, you are wondering
The picture above is of the tree in our frontyard(old home) and was taken in spring.
A tree bears all the fruits, nurtures it, and when ripe, gives it away. Hence, the title for this post.

Procreation - Take II

I had an unplanned pregnancy. Did he do it deliberately?

My spouse had wanted kids very early in the marriage and talked me so much into it that eventually I agreed. Did he intend to suppress me?

And many such questions have been raised by few of my readers who are, let's say, a little confused in their marriage.... and probably, their life (yes, that's rather strong statement, isn't it?). Let's just face the fact -
   Most babies are coincidences.
Remember the opening monologue from 'My Sister's Keeper"? 
11-yr old Anna Fitzerald, even went on to say 
   Most babies are born because of lack of birth control. They are accidents.

Let's try and come out of a state of denial.. Four in ten pregnancies are unplanned and the percentage is even higher, here in the United States. (No, I am not throwing any statistics for you. Look it up yourselves.) But, does that mean, that essential factor of love and care, are missing from ALL of them? Definitely, not!! My idea behind the last post was to bring to the notice that there are incidents like these. This, definitely, doesn't mean that it is the ultimate goal of survival of the entire male species. Please, think rationally, and do not walk out of your marriages/partnerships, yet. True, like many other disagreements between both of you, you might have not necessarily have had the same views on the issue of  'issues', like when, how many, and for that matter, where, too. But, come on, both of you are two different individuals with two set of views, ideologies and may be dreams as well. And is but natural, that on almost all topics, either of you has to relent or take a step back or bang your head out to convince the partner. Are any of us different? Do not we all do that? Do not we all have those occasional strifes? So, what if a few of these conflicts were on starting a family?

I know many such couples where the either the first child or the second or both were not really planned. Does that mean, he was deliberately trying to get the partner pregnant? No, sometimes, it just happens in the flow, a sheer carelessness, a weak moment. And then there's a friend, where the wife didn't want a second child as her first pregnancy was very difficult. But, the husband was adamant that they should have two. The wife agreed, even though she had a few miscarriages. And, mind you, the girl here is not the silent, obeying your commands types. As long as the decisions are mutual, and/or are not a result of series of abuses, how can you term them as the forced ones? Isn't it very inherent that sometimes, you start seeing the things the way your partner does? Or even if you do not, occasionally, find a valid point convincing enough, you go ahead with the decision.

There are many husband-wives duo, I know, where the girl wants a child cuz of various reasons - settling down, biological clock ticking and many such others, but the spouse still not ready, whatever be the reason. In some, the husband agreed later, though he still might have been of the opinion that they could have waited another couple of years. You see the point I am trying to make? This is what is partnership is. Not always will the two of you share the same set of opinions and often, one of you will have to give up your post. But, that doesn't mean that you stop loving each other. What about those times when your better half did those little things to comfort you, to soothe you, to show their love and care? Try to recollect those lovely memories and do not brood over when you couldn't have your way. To put it straightforward, stop being selfish because every time you did not get what your heart desired. Or because you had to live with something that you did not set your heart on initially.

Again, I am not trying to belittle the issue I raised in the last post. Under no circumstances, you should take any form of abuse. Violence is never justified as a way to resolve disputes. Say no firmly, if anything of that sort happens. Seek help, counselling if it repeats even after your ernest attempts. Walk out, if you have to. Until then, give love a chance..