Procreation - Take II

I had an unplanned pregnancy. Did he do it deliberately?

My spouse had wanted kids very early in the marriage and talked me so much into it that eventually I agreed. Did he intend to suppress me?

And many such questions have been raised by few of my readers who are, let's say, a little confused in their marriage.... and probably, their life (yes, that's rather strong statement, isn't it?). Let's just face the fact -
   Most babies are coincidences.
Remember the opening monologue from 'My Sister's Keeper"? 
11-yr old Anna Fitzerald, even went on to say 
   Most babies are born because of lack of birth control. They are accidents.

Let's try and come out of a state of denial.. Four in ten pregnancies are unplanned and the percentage is even higher, here in the United States. (No, I am not throwing any statistics for you. Look it up yourselves.) But, does that mean, that essential factor of love and care, are missing from ALL of them? Definitely, not!! My idea behind the last post was to bring to the notice that there are incidents like these. This, definitely, doesn't mean that it is the ultimate goal of survival of the entire male species. Please, think rationally, and do not walk out of your marriages/partnerships, yet. True, like many other disagreements between both of you, you might have not necessarily have had the same views on the issue of  'issues', like when, how many, and for that matter, where, too. But, come on, both of you are two different individuals with two set of views, ideologies and may be dreams as well. And is but natural, that on almost all topics, either of you has to relent or take a step back or bang your head out to convince the partner. Are any of us different? Do not we all do that? Do not we all have those occasional strifes? So, what if a few of these conflicts were on starting a family?

I know many such couples where the either the first child or the second or both were not really planned. Does that mean, he was deliberately trying to get the partner pregnant? No, sometimes, it just happens in the flow, a sheer carelessness, a weak moment. And then there's a friend, where the wife didn't want a second child as her first pregnancy was very difficult. But, the husband was adamant that they should have two. The wife agreed, even though she had a few miscarriages. And, mind you, the girl here is not the silent, obeying your commands types. As long as the decisions are mutual, and/or are not a result of series of abuses, how can you term them as the forced ones? Isn't it very inherent that sometimes, you start seeing the things the way your partner does? Or even if you do not, occasionally, find a valid point convincing enough, you go ahead with the decision.

There are many husband-wives duo, I know, where the girl wants a child cuz of various reasons - settling down, biological clock ticking and many such others, but the spouse still not ready, whatever be the reason. In some, the husband agreed later, though he still might have been of the opinion that they could have waited another couple of years. You see the point I am trying to make? This is what is partnership is. Not always will the two of you share the same set of opinions and often, one of you will have to give up your post. But, that doesn't mean that you stop loving each other. What about those times when your better half did those little things to comfort you, to soothe you, to show their love and care? Try to recollect those lovely memories and do not brood over when you couldn't have your way. To put it straightforward, stop being selfish because every time you did not get what your heart desired. Or because you had to live with something that you did not set your heart on initially.

Again, I am not trying to belittle the issue I raised in the last post. Under no circumstances, you should take any form of abuse. Violence is never justified as a way to resolve disputes. Say no firmly, if anything of that sort happens. Seek help, counselling if it repeats even after your ernest attempts. Walk out, if you have to. Until then, give love a chance..

Reproductive coercion - another form of violence against women

"I have to get a baby in there", he kept saying and I thought, "Is that all I am to him.. a baby carrier?"

And the words immediately groped my attention. I was in the waiting room of the hospital, idling away my time, casually flipping through the pages of a magazine. I looked around, mentally counting those in the room and concluding that I had ample time to skim through those few pages, before the nurse calls me. And what I read gave me goosebumps, showing me yet another face of the world that we live in. I had to know more and tried to dig up the article on the internet as soon as i could. Unfortunately, I don't remember the name of the magazine or else I would have given a link to it. My attempt here is not to reproduce that piece but to make ourselves aware of such happenings around us.

The article had started with the story of a couple who met in a med school, fell in love, and eventually got married. The guy started talking about babies soon after their honeymoon. He got obsessed with the idea so much that he didn't give her emotional and physical readiness a single thought, after a major back surgery he had to go through. She thought it as her duty then, as he had been with her throughout the surgery and the therapies. When after a while he suggested that they should consider IVF, she thought it rather sweet of him talking about the medical procedures and agreed. But her back was still weak and she miscarried. And that's when it all grew worse, with him pressurizing her to go for another IVF round as soon as the wait time was over. The second time, she miscarried, he went hysterical. She could put him off for a while only by saying tht the doctor thinks she need to put on weight, when the truth was that she was not ready for it yet. Infact, she was not sure that she wanted a baby at all now, more importantly his baby. He, on the other hand, stocked up he refrigerator with all the fattening stuff and kept saying, " I have to get a baby in there". He even threatened her tht she would be replaced by a maid and when all this turned into a physical abuse, tht she ran away to a women's shelter, where she learnt that she was not alone. And that what she was going through is termed as 'Reproductive Coercion'.

Please note that I might have missed a few facts and/or twists in the story here and her, but I do hope you get the picture. I had to know more and the more I learned, I realized that this is Not a new phenomenon and has been taken up by media, in print and on TV as well.



So, what is Reproductive Coercion?

Reproductive coercion is the sexual violence and in most cases, leads to physical violence. It also includes verbal/emotional pressure not to use birth control or to become pregnant. Many a times, leads to use of force not to take birth control or have unprotected sex.

The magazine had incidents on boyfriends/partners yanking the nuvarings off!


What leads to Reproductive coercion?

It is a way in which men want to control the female body to show their power. The article had quoted some more stories in which the men made their spouse pregnant every couple of years or when the youngest child started kindergarten, so that she would be bound to home and never attain financial independence. In some cases, it's a behavioral sabotage, where men just want to assert their dominance. Please go through the links in this post. They are very insightful into the topic.


Who does it happen to?

Relative coercion happens to teens and adults, rich and poor, married women, women in long or short term or in-between relationships, hookers or hook-ups.


What can we do to prevent it?

Empower. Educate. Be careful. Be on ALERT.
Know the warning signs and take action.


No woman should get STI, some of them rendering her infertile, some like HIV fatal to her life!
Whether, it is getting pregnant or to end pregnancy -No woman should be forcibly made to go through it, if she is not ready!

The chase

The more I am trying to go after the equilibrium, the more it is alluding me.. The mind is in the instant state of war.. Gets agitated quickly.. And this perturbs me all the more! The things/events which have been a constant source of joy and Contentment and had always helped me in the past don't seem to be working anymore.. Probably, time to look for the newer techniques.. Navratris have just been over. I love the festival for the discipline it brings.. The fasting disciplines the body and the mind.. And I choose to do the non-grain fasting, which being gluten-free it cleanses the body and combined with the strict routine cleanses the mind too. I have been observing these fasts for past two years which means this was the fifth time(the navratris fall twice a year).. Until this time, I had always found a repose, an exuberance in these nine days.. For me, the fasting is not about the control of diet as much as the control of the attitude, of the temperament. The comfort i usually get in the divine shelter was missing this time. My faith, a little, or was it more than little?, shaken... Was it because i couldnt follow the norms like every time? Or was it just. Y state of mind? Whatever it was, i was in a state of turmoil rather than in the elation, the euphoria, I usually feel. Until, I figure out a way to Compose myself, to fond the poise, the cool-headedness I always had.. My quest will go on...